A Lesson in Repair

Most of my adult life I’ve had somebody around who likes to fix things. And is good at it. I did all of the child rearing (like, seriously ALL OF IT) and the homemaker stuff and all of the emotional work of having a family, but for decades I had a husband to get up on the roof  to clean out the gutters or troubleshoot the internet or whatever. 

Times have changed, though. Now it’s just the two of us ladies here (my daughter and me), and we’re determined to be the badass women we know we can be (except roof stuff–I’m still not doing that!).

So recently, in the spirit of turning over this new leaf and fixing stuff myself, I decided to try to troubleshoot an error code on my dishwasher. Save money? Check! Be independent? Check! 

Ummmm…oops.

I followed the instructions on that handy YouTube video that showed me how to drain water from somewhere in my dishwasher where it wasn’t supposed to be. I pulled out the appliance from under the countertop and tipped it about 45 degrees. So easy, right? 

LOL

Long story short: Sure, I didn’t have to pay a plumber $140 to perform that very simple task.

But after a little puff of smoke and the smell of an electrical fire, I found myself having to shell out a whole lot more money for a brand new dishwasher. It was 100% my fault. I made mistakes. I tried, but I screwed up. 

Annoying. And costly. But oh, well. Nobody was injured and lesson was  learned: Appliance repair is best left to the professionals!

But I’m not here to talk about appliances. Because basically that little anecdote is the end of my “expertise.”

What I want to talk about is relationship repair. Specifically with our kiddos.

Luckily, you don’t have to be formally trained to repair relationships. But it helps to know what you’re doing. And why.

It’s not complicated, exactly. But it can be hard.

Because it takes some serious humility to get to that place. It also takes–and this is maybe even trickier–self-forgiveness.

Repair is also HUGELY important.

Unless you, like me, never ever make a mistake.

(wink, wink)

Recently I had kind of an argument with my daughter. 

I was too tired to deal. 

With anything.

I had hosted an hours-long dinner party and was exhausted. And as you know, exhaustion means low reserves. Which means low patience. Which often leads to mistakes.

So when she told me she wanted to keep her new outdoor twinkle lights on all night, even though she'd be SLEEPING, I just flatly said no. My energy bills are already horrific. So my response, both inside and out, was pretty clear.

Plus it seemed ridiculous to me. Because at night, presumably, SHE WOULD BE ASLEEP. 

So to me, it made absolutely no sense to keep the lights on. And I wasn't going to allow it.

She insisted on keeping the lights on.

I insisted she turn them off.

And so there was a standoff. I was too tired to push it farther in the moment, but we were both left unhappy with our interaction.

I could feel the tension in the air, so I asked her if she was upset, and she stuck out her hand to make a “kinda” motion as she slipped into her room and shut the door. 

I turned and went to bed.

It wasn’t the hug-goodnight day-ender we usually have.

The next morning as I thought about the night before, I realized my mistake. I could have at the very least had a conversation with her. I could have empathized with her. Like, “Yeah those new lights are SO COOL. I can see why you want want to have them on all night right now.” Additionally, I could have offered to research the actual cost of running LED twinkle lights. Which, it turns out, is practically nothing.

So you know what I did?

First, I forgave myself. I hadn’t been in the best state of mind. I recognized that. I love my kid. I really do try my hardest. I just made a mistake. I’m still awesome!

Second, I apologized. Without excuses.

I said I was sorry for not listening to her, and for making a decision without doing some research.

I also changed my mind. Does it make sense to me to have lights on all night just outside your window? Not really. But my opinion didn’t really matter. At all. 

So I could both apologize AND change course without feeling much more than a little initial regret.

Okay, you’re probably thinking Big Deal.

Small transgression, easy apology. Easy repair. Nothing broken. Just, at most, a teeny- tiny chip.

So what if IT IS a big deal? What if you’ve made a serious transgression? Maybe just now, maybe yesterday, maybe five years ago. 

What if you really lost your temper yesterday?

What if you punished your kid last week in a way you now believe was too harsh?

What if you realize you didn’t truly understand and meet your kid’s needs because your other kid took up all your energy? And your kids are grown now? 

Can you repair that? Should you?

Yes, it’s possible.

And yes, definitely you should.

Okay, steps again:

Forgive yourself. You were absolutely doing the best you could at the time. You are human. You love your child. Without self-compassion and self-forgiveness, true compassion and repair cannot happen.

And then apologize. 

And here’s the BIG KEY.

You just say what you want to say, without blaming the other person in any way, and have absolutely no attachment to their response.

None.

You don’t even ask for forgiveness.

You most certainly don’t ask for them to apologize, too.

You say, “You know, I realize that when you were young I was paying so much attention to your sister, that I didn’t notice what you were missing. I don’t think I was really meeting your needs. That must have been so difficult for you. I imagine you were sad and maybe even scared some of the time.

“And I am so sorry for that.”

I know because this is the very thing I called my son to tell him when I was going through my coaching training. My failure hit me like a ton of bricks. And I knew it was important for me to say something, to acknowledge my failure to both myself and my son. I know the repair was healing for me. I can only hope and believe it was healing for him. 

Sometimes repair happens in that single moment. Your kid–or your partner or your friend–hugs you and says, “I love you!” and everything feels right again.

Sometimes it happens little by little. Sometimes the trust gets rebuilt one brick at a time.

But it’s worth it. 

For your kid.

For your family.

For you.