Good Girl

What a good girl, everyone said.

And they were right. She WAS good. This little girl was good at doing what she was told. She was good at following the rules. She was good student, a good friend, a good daughter.

She quietly did was asked of her. Even if it hurt.

As an adult she still carried much of that with her.

She also carries memories like this one:

As a young child, she lived in a neighborhood full of other small children. They met in the street in the afternoon to play tag or kick-the-can or dodgeball. She most often played with two other girls her own age who lived within a few houses, often at her own house, but occasionally venturing to their houses to play with dolls or do crafts or whatever two young girls could come up with to do. She was shy with adults but made friends easily. And parents loved having her over because she was so good.

The little girl was quiet. She was obedient. She was everybody’s favorite kid. 

One afternoon Sarah's mother invited this little girl to play. The little girl was quiet. She was compliant, as usual. She never asked for for anything, just played cooperatively with Sarah. As expected.

Also on that particular day, she had a loose tooth. By the time the little girl's mother showed up to pick her up from Sarah's house, that tooth wasn’t loose anymore. In fact, it was no longer in her mouth. 

Sarah's visiting grandmother, a complete stranger to this little girl, insisted on pulling it. The tooth wasn’t ready. Neither was this little girl. 

But she was a good girl, so she complied. An adult insisted, and she only knew how to obey. 

So this stranger reached into the girl’s mouth and yanked the loose-but-not-quite-ready tooth. 

She doesn’t remember much about being five, but fifty years later that traumatic memory lingers. In a moment she needed to access her own power, she didn’t even know she had any. So she quieted the inner voice that was screaming "No!" and said, instead, "Okay."

Yes, it was just a tooth. It was also a violation. Perhaps, you might say, an assault. And she had opened her mouth to allow it to happen.

Moms and dads, ask yourself: Are you willing to raise a kid like this? 

If your parenting demands compliance, you are not only raising a kid like this, you are actually raising an ADULT like this! You are raising an adult for whom compliance is paramount. An adult who is ruled by fear instead of by her own feeling of empowerment. A girl who doesn’t know how to say No. Stop. Not today. 

That was me. For a very long time, that was me. Literally. I let that woman pull my tooth because saying no was scarier than allowing her to do it. Even though it hurt. Even though I was terrified. Even thought I most certainly did not want her to do it.

It wasn’t until a few years ago that I learned how to listen to and obey my own voice. To say, No. Stop. Not today. I could do it for other people because that was "being good," but I didn’t know how to do it for myself.

I LOVE that voice. It’s still under construction, but it’s getting easier to access every day. I just wish I had discovered it sooner.

If you want to give your child that voice, a strong sense of self, the empowerment to stand up even in the face of authority, to have the courage to obey her inner voice over any other, you can change course right now.

You can raise a moral, ethical, kind, loving person who also knows she matters. Who knows her voice is important and worth listening to. Who knows that SHE is worth protecting, even if means standing up to an adult, a bully, an abusive partner, even a teacher or a boss.

Who knows that being a “good girl” isn’t what we all think it is.

At all.