How to Raise Happy Kids

What do you want most for your kids?

Raise your hand if you thought, “I just want them to be happy.”

I bet every single person reading this is nodding their head right now. Yes, of course that’s what we all want, right?

Y’all ready for something pretty radical? 

Sit down and take a breath because here it comes.

I’m throwing out a big fat NOPE right now: 

We shouldn’t want our kids to be happy.

Yup I said that! I really did! 

OK, you can exhale now. 

Imagine if happiness was really the ultimate goal. As long as we’re happy, everything is perfect. As long as our kids can find that one thing that makes them happy, we can pat ourselves on the back and let out a big sigh of relief. WE DID IT! Because that’s the goal, right?

Right? 

Actually, does that really make sense?

Here are some times of the many when I wasn’t happy at all:

When my daughter wasn’t talking at age 2.

When that enormous pile of laundry grew twofold overnight because I had two bedwetters.

When my friend died suddenly at 43.

When I realized I needed to get out of my marriage.

When my son was bullied at school.

I was sad, resolved, angry, scared, angry again, confused, and a bit depressed. I’ve also been horrified, worried, devastated, annoyed, irritated, amused, hopeful, hopeless, satisfied, disappointed and ecstatic. And appropriately so.

So I’d like to make a proposal.

Forget happiness. Forget trying to be happy yourself. Forget trying to make your kids happy.

Instead, learn to find peace in ALL the emotions. Show our kids that it’s normal and acceptable and even NECESSARY to be sad or angry or frustrated.

And then show them healthy ways to express those emotions! 

Yup, even anger. Maybe especially anger. Because I don’t know about you, but my relationship with anger is no bueno. I like to pretend I don’t feel it. And I want to crawl into a hole when somebody else expresses it. (Work in progress over here!)

Is your kid mad because some kid ripped up their math homework? Um, hell yeah, they’re mad! 

So what do they do with that? What do they do with the rage in their body—and YES It’s in our BODIES!

Maybe they can put their head in a pillow and scream. Or punch their bed. Or just say how mad they are. Like, they are really freaking pissed off. 

Can your kid say that out loud? Or some version of that?

What if your kid is devastated because they lost their favorite Pokemon card? Do you try to talk them out of it? Does that seem like a dumb thing to cry about? After all, it’s just one Pokemon card! 

Or do you look your kid in the eye and say, “Yeah, I can really see how sad you are. That’s a huge frickin’ bummer.” And then hold them close.

What if your teen sees a bunch of Instagram posts from a party they weren't invited to? How real is that? Your kid might be devastated. Your kid is crying out of sadness, anger and disappointment. Do you try to give them context so they don't feel so bad? Like, "Well I guess those aren't really your friends." Or are you able to just sit with them in their pain?

I had a moment recently with my daughter that put my skills in this area to the test. I was just about to leave to meet a friend for lunch when Maddie appeared in the kitchen. Immediately I saw a sadness I rarely see in her. 

“Are you OK?” I asked.

She shook her head. “Do you need me right now?” I asked. She nodded.

So I bailed out of my lunch date (which I was REALLY looking forward to) and sat down with her on the kitchen floor. She had already scooped up our dog Banjo for some comfort. He’s good for that.

I took a deep breath. I didn’t know how long this would last, so I was glad I had just canceled my plans so I didn’t feel rushed or under pressure. 

Then I got to work. And you know what that looked like? I was calm. I was spacious. I listened to what she had to say, and I just let her know I saw her. I let her know her emotions made a lot of sense. She talked and I listened. And we hugged.

We’re all going to have emotions. Some feel amazing. Others not so much. Some make us feel like we can’t possibly live with them.

And that’s where the peace comes in. The peace in knowing ALL EMOTIONS ARE OK. And not only are they OK, they are important. And that’s because emotions are trying to tell us something. 

That’s how we prepare our kids to have a good life: we show them how to recognize their emotions and how to express them in a healthy way.

So this is what I want for MY kids: Peace. An inner peace that helps them navigate the inevitability of pain, the surprise and delight of joy, and the message that feelings of anger are trying to give us that we need to DO something. And all the complex emotions in between. 

A peace in knowing that no matter what happens in their lives, and whatever emotions those events stir in them, they know they will be OK.